God damn it I want a cat. Why can’t I have a cat. I just want a cat to hang out with. Cats CATS CATS!!
I can’t Upside down A x small E With double line N.
Fuck Balls. Why are there number written on Sigma.
OH GOD WHY.
WHY MUST THERE BE LOGIC NOTATION IN MY MATH…
I’m really sad.
Everyone was talking about how sad everything was.
People kept moving.
Not like moving on.
Just like saw a sad cat, said how sad, then left it to be a sad cat.
I think about it almost all day.
I escape into anime, video games, hacky sack, girlfriend, and friends.
It may seem like a lot but for close to 3 weeks I have has only these things to distract me.
It doesn’t get easier.
How I hold my composer in public is still a mystery. I should win a god damn academy award for it.
I cry when I’m alone.
not like balling my eyes out.
But every so often it just hits.
Uncontrollable, Short, and Sad.
Sebastian. You’re six feet under mine.
Not a lot.
But sometimes it feels like you’re with the group laughing and yelling with us.
Smoking cigarettes and cracking jokes.
I love you man, take care of the others.
I’ll be fine.
But don’t be a stranger.
Come kick it.
I’ll put on my suit and wait by my door.
My friend will pick me up and we’ll drive to NOHO.
We’ll sit and listen to sad stories and cry for hours.
Then we burry our friend.
We’ll sit and cry and watch as a mother and father burry their son.
We’ll watch as loved ones cry and through blurry eyes see we’re not alone.
I’d like to think that tomorrow will be the concrete evidence I need to stop believing that he’ll pop out and give me a hug.
I hope tomorrow is the last day I shed a tear for a friend.
It’s going to be hard, but I will try to smile and remember the great times that were had by one of my best friends.
I never understood why people don’t want to move on.
Why they couldn’t get up and keep going.
I now know why.
Because I don’t want to keep going knowing what I know.
I don’t want to accept that I have to go to his funeral tomorrow.
To know that I have to burry my friend.
To know that my friend is gone.
That I can never hear him say something new.
To know that every bad day I have can’t be fixed with some hacky sack with a great friend.
No amount of sadness will ever bring them back.
Tears aren’t magic.
Cry’s of pain aren’t spells.
My chattering teeth don’t make incantations.
There is no science or religion that can make them come back.
There is no Phenix Down.
No human transmutation.
There’s nothing that will make him come back.
I am helpless to save my friend.
I can’t make it better.
I can’t do anything to sooth the pain of others.
All I can do is cry.
I will not be okay.
It’s giveaway time!!
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Don’t think about anything.
Breathe keep walking.
Remember the good times.
Don’t cry Don’t cry Don’t cry.
Think about something else.
Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
No one can see my eyes through the glasses.
Don’t let anyone know how sad you are.
HE wouldn’t want you to cry.
HE’d want you to be happy.
Sebastian, Jew, seabass. Brother
I’ll never get to talk to you again.
I’ll never get to drink with you again.
Smoke another cigarette.
Make jokes about that senile old bitch again.
Play hackey sack.
Even though you left all of us.
You didn’t leave us empty handed.
I have so many memories of you.
I can remember so many laughs, smiles, jokes, I can think of so many times you made my day better because of who you are.
I’m sad I won’t have new ones but I am so fucking grateful I have the memories I have because my life would be so different without you.
Thank you for being my friend and thank you for being my brother.
I’m gonna miss you.
But I will never forget you.